Motherhood is selfless.

I am selfish.

Houston, we have a problem.

But I’ve been thinking about it. At this point, I feel like it doesn’t matter if I have interests, talents, skills or gifts because I can’t use them. Well for me at least. My children come first. It’s just the necessary everyday activities simply consume every waking minute. And then by the time it’s all over, no one is open for business or around to converse.

I am confident and intelligent. I am creative. I am decisive. I can see the means to an end and lead others there. My faith is strong. I know myself and how all these qualities make me a good mom. But dear God, why can’t I find contentment on this path?
What does it matter that I love to take photos? Sure I get to take all the pictures I want of my beautiful girls and every now and then I’m called upon for the family group shot. But when I try to bring my camera out into “the outside world” I have no free hand to hold it with.

I like music… I like to sing. I would like to learn to play instruments. We recently came into possession of a lovely little upright piano and I would bet that I have had less than a hour put together of time on it since September.
I have a job on Saturday AM. “It’s great that you get a chance to get out of the house,” is the big reply I get when I tell people. I love working in the kitchen. I do it because I love to work with my hands to create something fragrant and beautiful. But even those 5 hours on Saturday morning are becoming inconvenient. Family first. But when you only work that one day a week, it sort of sucks to have to schedule off 1 out of 4 weekends a month.

What does it matter that I have dreams? I know, know, KNOW when it’s time that God will open the door and there it will be. I just don’t want to think about it in the mean time. And now the thought of having another baby. I thought my lack of personal space was a trial now…

Why am I having such a hard time letting ME go? Me, me, me… Why don’t I want to embrace my identity solely by where God has me in my life? I am a mother, which must be the most selfless job in the world, but I am struggling to no end to just give it up. I feel like I can’t dream… I just need to totally submerse myself in their world for now. A little bit won’t work, has to be all of me. But a little bit, maybe my right arm, just wants to stay dry.

The right arm is pretty important I guess. Especially if you’re right handed.

(speaking to myself now)

Photography: more pictures of your most prized possessions. You love photography because it pauses a moment in time so it’s never lost. Think of all the wonderful moments you will be able to keep near all your life.

Music: Music connects people and the more you sing with your girls the more ties you are giving them to wonderful memories and learning new things. Instant free fun.

Cooking: Your family will always have new and interesting flavors on their plate. No they might not pay you, or leave a tip or even like it, but it will grow them healthy and strong physically and when they are older they will remember their Mom’s labour of love over the stove daily. And when they are a little bigger, you can teach them cooking.

Character traits: God has equipped you this way for a reason. Also he has set your road and your boundaries in place for your good. Tell your girls about your faith in God, how he has never let you down. Use your decisiveness to keep the house running smoothly so it becomes a peaceful place for everyone. Take your intelligence, your leadership and your creativity and use it to mold your children into people who love the Lord and will follow him. Be confident and know that you can do this because God is holding you upright.

One comment to “working thru some stuff here…”

  1. Auntie Danielle

    Oh, Cookie…It’s not about letting “you” go, holding on to you is very important, although evolving and tempering the gifts God has given your heart and mind to be workable under current conditions is challenging I have no doubts that it will happen. Eventually you will have those free hands for the perfect shot, but right now is study time with different subjects that will help you recognize that ideal composition and lighting when the time comes. In the meantime use the weekend getaways that come once in a blue moon to have some T time-for it is as much that as couple time, an hour off shooting will do wonders next time around-or you could ask for a guarantee of an hour a week at least for that from someone for Christmas! Time is an amazing gift.
    You are wonderfully made and for a reason, you will find a destination for each of your gifts-I am certain, they will be different at different stages of your life-but don’t let go of them. I love you!


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