I am learning a lot.

My mother has told me for years that she learned so much when she was homeschooling me and my brother. I always thought she meant academically (which consequently earned her some off the chart scores on a job interview test!) but I’m sure now she means about life and love, about who her children are and the woman she is.

I’m learning how to juggle. How to clean the bathroom with the washcloth that I just used to wash the baby’s face.  That I desperately need sleep. That a square of dark chocolate does more good than a half dozen cookies. To send the kids outside and breathe for a few minutes before I need it. That fixed spaghetti and pizza nights are a load of my mind. That I need a new plan for a spelling curriculum. That it is a luxury to brush my teeth (so sad!)

One thing that I am going to be educated in for years to come is the complex relationship between mothers and daughters. How it can go from so sweet to so frustrating in a matter of minutes. How she desperately needs me and wants her independence at the same time. How I delight in her love and friendship but can’t think a coherent thought while listening to the flood of words she speaks.

And now, for another strange dynamic in the mix, the shift of me being now mother and teacher. It’s nearly impossible for things such as corrections and extra exercises to enforce a wobbly area of learning to not be taken personally. I am the one (next to Daddy) they least want to disappoint. And yet, I am not seen as the teacher yet… the one whom they follow silently, single file through the halls. Or to whom they perfectly raise their hand and would never talk back to or gab to their friends in front of during lesson time. Nor do I want that relationship with them. Part of why I wanted to homeschool was to have life be more casual and for us to grow together as a family… to gab. To follow our thoughts and see where they take us. But when trying to find and implement the balance of structure and fun, again, we can end up with some very wounded little girls.

I found this quote by Sophia Loren and thought it was interesting. And true. We are totally all joined together here and I know that now more than ever, my every action and word ripples into their lives. This is a huge pressure and privilege. I am going to make a lot of mistakes. Hopefully, I will learn from a few of them.

“When you are a mother, you are never really alone in your thoughts. A mother always has to think twice, once for herself and once for her child.”
Sophia Loren


One comment to “Think twice.”

  1. Denese

    T, you express yourself sooooo well. You are a very wise and gifted young woman <3 Sophia Loren’s quote is really beautiful too. xoxo


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